You might not have used exactly the same language to describe them, but you'll know what I mean by the terms "softboys" and "fuckboys." Sometimes it seems like modern men divide neatly between these two tribes, both with their own flaws and horrors, but both possessing a strange kind of attraction.
But where do you stand?
Are you into the sensitivity and modesty of the classic softboy, or do you just want to embrace the cynicism and bluntness of the modern fuckboy? This article should help you focus on the type of guy you can really connect with.
In the 1990s, something seemed to change in the portrayal of younger guys in Hollywood movies and TV. Suddenly, slightly vulnerable, geeky, artistic guys were getting the girls. Sure, they were kind of hopeless and hardly perfect physical specimens, but the characters portrayed by actors like Michael Cera created an archetype of the "softboy".
Soon, everyday guys started to embrace this character for themselves, talking about their favourite poets, cramming art galleries on first dates, wearing tank tops and looking deeply into girls' eyes, trying to understand their inner pain. Sensitivity became sexy again. And many women fell for the charms of this growing softboy scene.
There have always been fuckboys. Ever since men and women started dating, guys have acted like jerks to show off their masculinity. Just as often, some women have fallen for this ultra-masculine act, seeing their "bad boys" as authentic men, driven by their inner strength to assert themselves, even if their lovers got hurt in the process. The modern fuckboy is just as brutal, but now has technology on his side.
With online dating, he can drop girls in an instant, never respond to messages and deliberately send mixed messages to confuse girls if he wants to keep them hanging. He can hook up with ten girls at the same time and, believe me, he does. And yet, this kind of uber-fuckboy behaviour doesn't disqualify him from the dating scene. Some girls still find his rebellious, selfish behaviour attractive. For them, when fuckboys pay them attention, it really matters. After all, he sees plenty of women. If he zeroes in on them, it's a pretty powerful form of validation.
With softboys, the psychological dynamics behind women's sexual attraction are very different. These guys might not be as hot (though sometimes they are), but that doesn't matter. In a world of ruthless fuckboys, softboys bring empathy to the table. They respond to your talk about feminism. They nod along to your criticisms of one night stands and guys who never call, and they definitely make a point of calling and emailing the day after first dates.
It's this kind of attentiveness that some women need. When you've spent years being taken for granted, a softboy who calls every day and asks how you are doing can be incredibly seductive. Suddenly, you are valuable again. Your feelings matter, so you fall into the softboy's arms.
What can go wrong?
It turns out, plenty. Here's the thing about angelic seeming softboys: that film with Michael Cera in? He was acting, and many softboys are doing exactly the same thing. Their fashionable indie outfits are carefully curated, often by their softboy friends. Their feminism is from Wikipedia. Their day-after phone calls are scheduled by a dating app.
Their deep and meaningful gaze is accompanied by a primal desire to turn their emotional investment and time consuming sensitivity into raw sex. In many cases, that softboy you've been dating for a week or two is actually just a frustrated fuckboy who can't get it up. Instead of letting out their sexual frustrations with endless one night stands, they string girls along, giving them the impression that they understand them and care, while secretly exploiting their vulnerability. So there's definitely a dark side to these guys.
Let's assume that the poet or part-time art critic you are dating is serious about you. It's never good to be cynical about romance, and not all softboys are arseholes in disguise, so let's give him the benefit of the doubt. Still, he's been behaving strangely. He's not returning your calls. His messages are becoming less frequent and contain fewer jokes. Something's up, so you confront him.
If what you get back in return is a stream of excuses, you've found a classic softboy and it's time to move on. Softboys always seem to be in a state of nervous exhaustion. They get easily stressed out by work. They can't face the drama of explaining themselves due to their sensitivity. It's all part of the act. What they are doing is bumming you off. They don't care, and they aren't serious. If you get this sense from a guy, just log back onto your favourite dating site and start again.
There's something suspicious about guys who go to extremes. When guys are all about art and emotions, or when they are obsessed with their bodies, it's generally a good sign that they aren't to be relied on. Whether we are talking about their bedroom skills or their general character, the best guys have a kind of balance between their physical passion and their emotions.
Surely that's not so hard to find? Is it?
If you're reading this, you'll probably know that balanced guys are like the perfect party. Sometimes, all the elements fall into place, and when they do, it's not because you planned it that way. They just turned out to be perfect, even if there were some problems along the way.
Guys are the same. Sometimes, that softboy you meet can turn out to be a ravenous sexual animal. Some fuckboys are harsh on the surface, but actually surprisingly deep. Give them a chance, and you might find hidden depths in any guy.
Even if guys are complex, the softboys and fuckboys divide is useful for girls when they are hooking up. Keep in mind that the ripped guy who is complimenting you and going for the kill could well be up for a one night stand. And definitely be wary of sensitive guys, particularly if they make a point of posing as an anti-fuckboy.
It's a jungle out there, but the ideal fusion of sensitivity and sexiness can be found. Just don't be deceived by a guy with a burgundy cardigan and a book of Adrienne Rich poems.